Pooh-pooh! How Old are You?

"How we Apples Swim quoth the Horse Turd!"

Inflatable faeces! No, really!

Adults of late, even news reporters on the television who really should know better and presenters of adult programmes, wildlife or otherwise, have taken to using the term ‘pooh’ for faecal matter. Faecal matter has suddenly started in recent years to be referred to everywhere as and ubiquitously if not universally referred to as ‘poo’! This a word from the playground, the kindergarten, pre-school even. You know before we have actually learned the correct terminology. There are more correct words that needn’t make us feel squeamish!

Horse Apples!

 It is not “Poo!” How old are you? Six?

Artist Chris Ofili raw material

It is faeces! 

Too technical for you? 

Then try dog mess, birdlime, cat litter even. There are even paintings in modern art made of elephant dung.(see Chris Ofili) There is excrement, bodily waste, waste matter, ordure even of which I am especially fond (sic!), dung, manure or scat. There is stool (pronounced like Krapp’s ‘spool’ on which his last utterance was recorded on tape if you will) manure, fertilizer or droppings. There are specialisms of which I am fond too like fewmets (deer) spraints, (otters) guano (birds and bats), frass (beetles and certain insects) or another favourite ‘castings’ as in the produce of worms which I enjoyed exploring on the sands of Fleetwood when the tide went out and of course there is much slang like poop, number twos, doodoo, or doody or crude humour such as a deuce, a turd, or just plain crap. Shithead I like. Poopiehead if you must! Shitstain can be most affective but starts to sound cruel. Skidmarks I prefer if referring to same! Pooh for me and many adults or parents refers to a teddy bear and the globally famous Winnie. There is NO faecal matter there so even children can differentiate.

Good grief, you are grownups! 

Chris Ofili Moondooro 1992

‘Shit’ if you must but be mindful of the context!  I found out to my cost before going to primary school that ‘birdshit’ was not correct when some dollop landed upon my head and my mother shocked corrected my sullen Merseyside plain language despite my horror at having some land upon me. 

Chris Ofili 'Shithead' 2003

Father laughed and explained it was lucky. 

It sure as shit didn’t feel it!

You see? You can do it! 'Waste' will do